Wales is so demode.

Yes, I have been gone for a long time. But now I am back.

Do not go to Wales. It is the most demode place on Earth. I almost feel demode simply for having been there. Fortunately it was for less than 24 hours. But still. All I remember is that there was the countryside, and mud, and farmers, and then I felt queasy. Urgh.

Thank Chanel, I am back in civilization now.

I am still in shock though. Perhaps I should wrap myself up in Chanel to get rid of the dirty air of the demode?

"Tom Daley looks like he's been barbequed"

And that, I'm afraid to say, is courtesy of my darling mother. Whilst watching the Olympic diving finals yesterday, she decided to share that great gem of wisdom with me. Okay, yes. The fake tan is more than a little overdone on tiny 14-year-old Daley. By quite a lot. My mother then decided to add: "Look! He's more tanned than the Australian! And the Cuban!" Oh dear. I must say, though, watching the diving was quite enjoyable. Purely because it was rather easy on the eyes watching divers Rommel Pacheco of Mexico and Australian Matthew Mitcham parade around wearing just tiny speedos. Just a little something to keep me entertained until Novak is back on court.

Rommel Pacheco

Onto other matters, the US open begins tomorrow! Novak won't be playing until Tuesday, though. Annoyingly, the schedule has only just been released, so I've made plans for Tuesday - ARGH! Hopefully, he'll be at least 2nd or 3rd in the 11am cycle in order for me to get home in time to watch. The big names on court tomorrow include Rafa, Jelena Jankovic, Svetlana Kuznetsova, Elena Dementieva, David Ferrer, Andy Murray and Anna Chakvetadze. Rafa's opening match is against German qualifier Bjorn Phau, whom he has never met at an ATP or grand slam event. Phau is currently ranked 136th. Unfortunately for Phau, I would imagine that he stands no chance against el matador, who is going into the Open with excellent form (I don't need to give the Beijing Gold-Wimbledon-Roland Garros rundown, do I?)

I have to say, I am getting more than a little bit edgy. Of course I have faith in Novak. I do. I just worry. A lot. Especially seeing as I don't think I can take watching him cry again.

Ahh, pure perfection...

(I just realised that I probably sound like a perv. Ah well. It's the internet - who cares?)

Today's the day...

Well, two big things happened today:

1) I got my GCSE results

2) The draw for the US Open was released

Well. Obviously one event was ever so slightly more important than the other. But we'll overlook that for the time being...

Because the draws are pretty good! My main worry was that Rafa and Novak would be put in the same half of the draw, like in Beijing, but they aren't - they'll only meet if they both make it to the final (and if they do, my heart will probably give up from the strain being put on it). The main competition Novak has in his half comes from Fed, who has won the previous 4 US opens. Okay. That is a little, tiny bit of a problem. Fed defeated Novak in last year's final. But I'm hoping that Federer's recent troubles (losing at Wimbledon; going out very early in the singles at Beijing) will play in Novak's favour. So far they've met twice this year, once on clay court at Monte Carlo, where Fed won, and once on hard court (like the US), at the Aussie Open, which Nole won (and then went on to win the open). So, maybe, hopefully, this year, to use a bad bad bad pun, the ball will be in Novak's court. Or at least Novak's side of the court.

As for the quarter that Novak's in, there are good ones and bad ones. His first match will be against the Frenchman Arnaud Clement. He hasn't been playing too badly this year, and they've never met on hard court before - it could be a tricky one. Further down the line, Andy Roddick, Tommy Robredo, Marin Cilic and Aussie Open runner-up Jo-Wilfried Tsonga might cause problems, not to mention Fernando Gonzalez, Beijing silver medallist and official CHEAT, and Marat Safin, bringer of Wimbledon doom. Its going to be a tense few weeks for me.

Thinking of Marat Safin, I have finally found the strength within myself to forgive him for the Wimbledon incident. Also I watched him playing and remembered that (when he's not playing Novak), he's great to watch. His personality is just...something else. Does anyone else remember that time when he started mouthing swearwords at the umpire because he had been given a warning earlier for an audible obscenity? He really is something else. Also, his sister Dinara is equally likeable. I was actually pretty disappointed when she lost the Beijing final to Elena Dementieva. I think Dinara could go far - hopefully she'll go far in the US open. Sadly, I can't say the same for Marat. I love your attitude, man, but you'll have to drop out before the fourth round so you don't play Novak. Yes, I've forgiven him, but, hey, I still have my priorities.

I've finally regained consciousness.

After last Friday's Beijing semi between moj Novak and Rafael Nadal. Jebacina. I literally screamed for a minute (no, seriously, ask anyone in my household) when the match was over. Poor Novak was crying. The missed drop shot at the end nearly KILLED me. God, the pain. It was like Queen's all over again, but a million times worse because it was the Olympics. And he was so close. ARGH. Not to mention the fact that I'm still fuming over the draw - that match should've been the final. It killed me to see Gonzalez-the-cheat in silver place on the podium above Novak. I'm sorry, but Novak deserved, at the very least, the silver medal. If he had played Gonzalez, he would have crushed him like a fly. Even with his cheating ways. We even have videos that SHOW the ball touched his racquet. In my opinion, the ITF need to do something about it. Tarnished medal, much?

Anyway, I'm hoping that Novak's (relative...) Olympic success bodes well for the US Open.

Oh, and sorry about the last post - I was a little keen in saying that Novak took the opening set at Queen's. I meant to add in "nearly" but wishful thinking clearly got the better of me...

"Hewitt's playing the kitchen sink game now"

And my quote of the day today comes from Sam Smith, giving commentary on the closing few games of Hewitt's match against el matador, Rafael Nadal. Poor Lleyton really had his cojones kicked by Rafa in Beijing, being taken out 6-1, 6-2 in the second round. Ouch. Tomorrow, Rafa will face the unseeded Igor Andreev of Russia, whom he has played four times previously, winning 3 times.

Sadly, the rest of Sam's commentary wasn't so amusing. I nearly had a fit as she talked of her concern about moj ljubav Novak Djokovic, and how she thought he hadn't fully recovered from his defeat in the final of Queen's in June. I'm still angry about that, actually. Especially after so spectacularly taking the first set...ARGH. Anyway, despite Sam's conjecture, Novak made it fairly comfortably though what could have been a tricky second round match against the unpredictable Rainer Schuettler, winning in straight sets, 6-4, 6-2. Međutim, Novak's match tomorrow will be a tough one. He faces Mikhail Youzhny, the Russian 13th seed. Despite the gap in rankings, Novak hasn't done too well in previous matches against Youzhny. He has only won one of three previous matches, and the two that he lost were both on hard court. Just like at Beijing. Sranje. This, however, will be their first meeting this year, and I hope that Novak's first major at the Australian on hard court earlier this year will tide him through. If you hear someone swearing angrily in Serbian at a TV screen tomorrow, that'll be me.

Glorious civilization. οιμοι.

I'm back from the wilderness. First, it was Wales. Then a small Spanish village which had apparently never heard of the internet or mobile phone signal. Then it was Ancient Greek camp at Bryanston, situated in a tiny village called Blandford. The clue's in the name. Ancient Greek camp was actually a lot of fun. I met Jesus. He's a pretty cool guy. He translated Euripides for me, but it turns out that I speak Spanish better than him. Not so hot on the modern languages, eh? I now keep on dropping Greek words into everyday conversation. I think I've lost all vestiges of sanity. οιμοι.

On another note, Cincinnati, argh. Yet again, I find myself disappointed in my dearest Novak. I was overjoyed when I found out that he had knocked out Rafa (naturally, le quiero, pero...Novak es mejor), but then he let himself be defeated in the final by Andy Murray. ANDY BLOODY MURRAY of all people. Benast govno. He's just so arrogant. I still haven't gotten over the time when he flexed his muscles after the Gasquet match at Wimbledon. Bezmozgaš. Fortunately, he went out today in the first round of the Beijing Olympics. Thank heavens. Srećom, Novak went through in straight sets against Robby Ginepri, however tomorrow he'll face Rainer Schuettler, who reached the semis at Wimbledon in a series of upsets earlier this season. Hopefully, Novak will avoid another shock exit this time (although at Wimbledon he went out to Marat Safin, whom ja mrzim). Thankfully (for the sake of my blood pressure) Safin is not competing at Beijing, although his sister, Dinara Safina, is. In fact, she beat the Italian Mara Santangelo in the first round earlier today. My other main Serbian title-hope is the lovely Jelena Jankovic, who went through her first round match in straight sets. Fellow Serb Ana Ivanovic is also sadly not competing, nor is Croat Mario Ancic, both of whom I'm quite upset not to be seeing. Alas, I shall console myself with Novak. Napredovati, Nole!

Ne znam...

DA! Konačno, Marat Safin is out of Wimbledon, in straight sets to...Federer. It should've been moj Novak in the Semis against Federer. But no, damned Safin (yes, I am still angry). At least Federer crushed him, 6-3, 7-6, 6-4. I'm not usually a Fed fan, but throughout these Championships I've been supporting anyone who was playing Marat. Anyway, now that Marat is gone, I do feel a little bad about how vehemently I've hated him. Well when I say a little, I mean a really really small part of me. Mostly, I'm just happy he's gone.

However, now there is a Nadal-Fed final to look forward to. It should've been Djokovic-Nadal, but there's not much I can do know. Entonces, ¡vamos, Rafa!

Sadly, I won't see it. I'll be in a tent in Wales. ARGH.

Poljubi me, Novak.

The curse continues. Yesterday, the last two Serbs left in the singles draw at Wimbledon came crashing out in the fourth round. Number two seed, Jelena Jankovic, went out in straight sets to the unseeded wildcard entry, Tamarine Tanasugarn, 6-3, 6-2. Meanwhile, in the men's singles, Janko Tipsarevic went out in four sets to Germany's Rainer Schuettler, who won 6-4, 3-6, 6-4, 7-6. Poljubi me u dupe, Rainer.

Ana Ivanovic & Jelena Jankovic

Seeing as I can no longer curse the Serbs with my support, I have switched to supporting Croatia's Mario Ancic. However, he faces Roger Federer, reigning Wimbledon Champion of 5 years in the Quarters tomorrow, and I am not very hopeful at all. One good thing is that Ancic was actually the last person to beat Federer on grass (albeit about a million years ago, when dinosaurs walked the earth). I briefly began to support Agnieszka Radwanska, the very talented 19 year old Pole, in her match against the formidable Serena Williams today, but that was a mistake. Again, she lost in straight sets, 6-4, 6-0. She is one to watch, though - her shots have incredible accuracy. I promise never to support her again, for the good of her career.

Mario Ancic

It looks increasingly like a Williams-Williams final for the women's singles (and they're storming the doubles, too). On the men's side, it may be a Federer-Nadal final for the third year running. And perhaps Nadal has improved enough this year to prove a real test for Federer. But now I've made my prediction, it won't happen. Oops. Sorry, Rafa. The one thing I am hoping for is for Rafa to completely crush Andy Murray tomorrow. Yes, I will probably get shot if any Brits read this. But I just can't stand that man. I had rather hoped that Gasquet would finish him off yesterday (but as soon as I tuned in, when Gasquet was two sets up, guess what happened?). Please let Rafael be strong enough to survive the curse of my support, because I will be extremely angry if Murray makes it to the semis. Not to mention the fact that Nadal is probably the only one left in the draw who is possibly strong enough to overpower Federer.

Another person who needs crushing tomorrow - Marat Safin. Yes, I am still carrying around a weight of anger towards him since he put out my beloved Novak. Yesterday, I hoped that Stanislas Wawrinka of Switzerland would put him out in Round Four, but of course it was not to be. After screaming my way through the first two Safin-dominated sets, I gave up on watching the match, as I wanted to save my voice (and to save myself from an anger-induced heart attack). So tomorrow it falls to Nadal's fellow countryman, Feliciano Lopez, to take on Safin. ¡Vamos, Feliciano!

Novak - Istinska ljubav. Sam zgodan :D

Am I the kiss of death for Serbian tennis??

Maybe it would be better for Serbia if I just stopped supporting their tennis players.

Why?

Both Ana Ivanovic and Novak Djokovic have already made their exits from the Wimbledon Championships, being held just a few miles away from where I live. Unsurprisingly, I was supporting Ana for the women's title, and Novak for the men's. They both have excellent records; Novak won the Australian Open earlier this year, and went into the championships ranked #3 in the world; Ana won Roland Garros this year and went in ranked #1 in the world. Yet they went out in the second and third rounds respectively.

Out of 7 Serbian players to enter the singles draw, only 2 remain - Janko Tipsarevic and Jelena Jankovic, both of whom are yet to play their third round matches. I'm seriously considering not watching the matches tomorrow in case I'm some kind of curse for Serbian tennis. I still am not yet ready to accept the fact that Novak is out of the championships, and I'm deeply bitter towards Marat Safin, who beat him in straight sets (6-4, 7-6, 6-2). Everytime I see Safin on TV, I end up shouting "Idi do djavola" or something even less restrained at him in Serbian. Mrzim te, Marat.

Anyway, when it comes to the US Open later this year, I hope that the thousands of miles of distance between myself and the tournament will break my support curse. On that note, I'll leave you with another picture of Novak, for good measure.

В жизни, не всё так просто.

Urghhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Friday was so not my best idea. Just really not, no no no no bad. I'm currently hiding from the world. My bed is the best place for me right now. Phone switched off, ignoring facebook. Friday night really made me realise the true appeal of a sad life all by my lonesome. I'm not sure if I am quite ready to admit (to myself, never mind others) what happened.

Actually, I am being far too melodramatic about this. It wasn't so bad. (Or if it is, i'm not quite ready to face it yet.)

But let's just say it involved extreme stupidity on my part. And I wasn't even drunk. Crap.

The one thing that gives me hope: NOVAK IS IN LONDON.

(Yes, I will use any excuse to go Novak photo-searching on google :D)

Breakthrough? I doubt it.

So tonight, I am tearing myself away from Eclipse to go out at night for the first time in...months? Finally (nearly) free from exams, I am actually going out, and breaking my lonely pattern of spinsterhood. To be fair, it isn't a great leap. I promised my friend I would go about 2 months ago...and now I am beginning to wonder if I shouldn't have, in order to stay at home and read about Edward some more.

But, no, I am braving the outside world. The best outcome for tonight would be for me not to run into any of my exes (or end up in hospital, as I frequently do, not unlike Bella). But that kind of luck is usually beyond me, so I am not very hopeful. (Also I know that at least one of them is on the guestlist, horror). Equally, I do not think I will be bumping into my Edward tonight, whoever and wherever he may be. But at least i'm leaving the house. Baby steps.

Somehow I don't think imaginary relationships are normal.

...but I might be wrong. Please, please, someone admit to also having imaginary relationships, so I know that I'm not alone.

Sometimes I've met the subjects of my imaginary relationships. Sometimes they're fictional characters (yes, Edward. How did you know?). But I'm mildly worried that this shows a distinct lack of sanity on my behalf, not to mention a deeper slide into the black hole of spinsterhood.

Just for my own satisfaction (and to avoid revision for GCSE Science), I've compiled a list of my current "imaginary relationships".

EDWARD CULLEN

What a surprise...Yes, he may be a fictional vampire, but he's hot, and sweet, and so...perfect. And I want to be Bella. I will be Bella. Don't tell me otherwise.

NOVAK DJOKOVIC

The subject of my last posting. I love him. I am constantly in awe of his co-ordination and gymnast-icity (he can do the splits!). If I attempted to do any of the things he does on court, I'd end up in hospital for a month. I wish I were the trophy he kissed after winning the Australian Open. I'm plotting to see if I can try and run into him when he's in London for Wimbledon next week, my plan is just to camp out around the tennis club for two weeks. Wish me luck.

MR HANAK

He's my Austrian maths teacher, and the only one on this list who I actually know. My friend says he has a receding hairline but she is wrong, dammit! Plus he looks about 19, even if he isn't really. I have embarrased both myself and him by asking him for help with German homework (I asked him how to say "If my friend were anorexic, I'd help her"...cringe.) I think he's mildly scared of me. Unsurprisingly, there are no photos of him on google, but weirdly I found this: http://www.ecml.at/documents/relresearch/projectseminarDN.pdf, which he co-wrote, and there's a photo in there somewhere of him with "the team" (he's wearing the red tie).

MARK RONSON

He's just too cool. And so smooth, and wow.

HOUSE

He may be three times my age, but I really don't care. He is just so sexy. I think it's the combination of sarcasm, cynicism, bitterness and pessimism that does it for me. Hot.

LOGAN HUNTZBERGER

Why didn't Rory marry him? Whyyy?? Marry me instead, Logan.

I think 6 imaginary relationships is enough for now. Until I find a real one... That is, if anyone's mad enough to have me after these online ramblings...

Novak Djoković is my Edward Cullen. Maybe.

I love him.

(Or in his native tongue, ja ga volim)

That is all I can say, really.

Not to mention how smooth he is here:

Okay, I know what you're thinking. But at least he's a REAL PERSON, ok?

Noam Chomsky doesn't help spinsterhood.

Sunday morning. Near hangover but not quite. Made the mistake of pouring boiling water on my hand when getting coffee this morning. Am now back in bed, alone with my laptop and coffee, contemplating my spinsterhood.

I have two options.

1) Embrace spinsterhood. Lie in bed, wallowing for the rest of my life. This is a very tempting offer, but also deeply depressing.

2) Bury my head in the sand. Keep reading 'Twilight' over and over, pretending to be Bella and thinking that one day, a hot vampire will save me (after writing that, a wave of feminism washed over me. Then the impending spinsterhood feeling returned). Try to distract myself.

Chomsky is not a good distraction. The evils of America, propaganda and the ruling elite are all very interesting, but Noam is not enough to save me from a spinster's life. Instead I keep thinking of Edward, and wondering when Diagnosis Murder will be on BBC1.

What is happening to me?? I am still so young...

A list of Majors is sitting beside me. I have 18 options. Help.